When jealousy rears its ugly head in a relationship, it can be a very ugly thing. It’s understandable that it can be hard to figure out how to stop being jealous due to your own insecurities and relationship stress.
But jealousy can often have a harmful effect on your relationship. Is jealousy good for a relationship? In moderation, yes. Possessiveness is how we express our attachment to others, but there are limits. So, let’s take a look at types of jealousy, the psychology behind it, and how you can deal with jealousy in relationships.
Understanding Behind Jealousy and the Different Types of Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural emotional response that arises when we feel that the other person is a threat to our relationship, whether real or imagined. What follows is a sense of unease, possessiveness and competitiveness.
Various different studies have shown that men and women feel jealousy differently. Studies have shown that when trying to figure out how to stop jealousy, men cope with the feelings through denial and avoidance, which is detrimental to a communicative relationship. Women tend to try to make themselves appear more attractive to their partners. These methods may not be as effective as being honest about your concerns.1 Men are also more concerned about sexual infidelity, while women are more concerned about emotional infidelity.2
Jealousy vs. envy
It’s important not to confuse the emotions you may be feeling in this relationship impasse. Jealousy is the fear of losing what you already have in a relationship, while envy is the desire for what someone else has. Jealousy has to do with relationships, while envy has to do with comparisons.
Why Am I So Jealous: How to Deal With It in Relationships
Let’s explore some of the reasons behind jealousy in your journey to stop it.
Low Self-Esteem – When we don’t love ourselves, we often have a hard time believing that others will love us. A study by the American Psychological Association (APA) found a strong link between low self-esteem and a tendency toward jealousy8
Closing yourself off – Keeping your feelings locked up inside can affect feelings of jealousy because you hold them in rather than healthily expressing them to your partner and others in your life. A study in Frontiers in Psychology found that openness can have a positive impact on intimacy9
Your past – The same study also found that people who had experienced infidelity, betrayal and reactive jealousy situations in the past were more likely to develop feelings of jealousy in future relationships.
Lack of Affinity – A study by Bucknell University found that one of the strongest correlations that exist between jealousy and our key personality traits is being unaffectionate.10 This can include traits such as selfishness, inconsideration, distrust of others, and a penchant for arguing.
Lack of intimacy – If your relationship starts to drift apart, you may be inclined to start inferring that it’s the result of infidelity, rather than seeing it as a sign of increased relationship problems.
10 Healthy Ways to Get Rid of Jealousy
Let’s take a look at some healthy ways to deal with these emotions, both perceived and real, and strategies on how to not be jealous in a romantic relationship.
Look within – Try to look at your past, your emotions and the factors in your inner self that produce these emotions. They may stem from completely unrelated events and have become part of your attachment style.
Communicate – When we try to figure out how not to be jealous, we often overlook the basic fact that we talk about jealousy with our partner. If you feel that their suspicions are realistic, then this can also help you judge their reaction. However, if the suspicions are unfounded, this is still an opportunity to build more trust in your relationship if a positive attitude is taken.
Develop your sense of self-worth – As we said, feeling unworthy of your partner is a big source of jealousy. So, do more self-affirming activities like exercising, taking up new hobbies, journaling or setting a realistic goal for yourself in life.
Discuss your suspicions with friends – Not only can your friends and family help you get some perspective on how to stop being jealous, but they can also provide an outside, less biased perspective on whether your suspicions are realistic.
Develop coping mechanisms – This is more of a short-term strategy for dealing with the anxiety that jealousy can trigger. You can write down your feelings, take a walk or do any activity that you know will calm you down.
Address negative thought patterns – Try to notice when your feelings of jealousy come up. What behaviors or repetitive thoughts of your partner are contributing to these feelings of jealousy? Address them at the root of the problem.
Recognize the maturity of the relationship – Every relationship has a honeymoon period where you love each other with all your heart. But as the relationship evolves, and as both partners adjust to their new surroundings, these aspects can become a bit tedious. This is not a bad thing. But don’t confuse the fading of passion in your relationship with infidelity on the part of the other person.
Don’t let the past trip you up – unless the ex is still with them and you don’t feel comfortable with their interactions, it doesn’t pay to be jealous of someone’s past affairs. Don’t dwell too much on your past either. Try to look at each new relationship as a blank sheet of paper.
Don’t compare yourself to others – If you think someone in your partner’s life is a threat to you, don’t start comparing your attributes to see if they are better or might tempt your partner away. You have a unique relationship and story, and that means more than just a passing attraction for most people.
Consider therapy- Sometimes there are certain emotions and past traumas that you can’t overcome on your own and need professional care. Therefore, if these feelings are persistent and overwhelming, it’s best to talk to someone.
