Picture this: you’re chatting with a new (or old) love, and the conversation gets flirty, but going to their house (or having them over) isn’t an option. So you send a hot text and even a sexy picture of yourself. Congratulations, you’ve just sent pornographic text messages!
While people have been sending NSFW messages to each other since the general public became literate, it wasn’t until recently that sexting became commonplace. Let’s take a look at what sexting is, whether or not it’s cheating, guidelines for sending sexts in different types of relationships, and what you should do if you find out your partner has been sending sexts with someone else.
Sexting is a hybrid of the words “sex” and “texting,” and is generally defined as the sending and receiving of sexually explicit text messages, photos, audio clips, or videos, which is basically the act of sending one’s own pornographic content to another person. It can be a form of foreplay or a way to have sexual contact with someone who is not physically close.
This behavior has become increasingly common – a 2011 study showed that 54 percent of respondents had sent a pornographic text or photo to a partner at least once, and one-third had done so on occasion.1 Since then, that number has been on the rise, especially with the proliferation of apps like Snapchat , the auto-delete feature of these apps has made privacy less of a concern.
Whether or not sending sexts is cheating depends on one important factor: consent. If you’re in a relationship, you need to make sure your partner is okay with you having explicit sexual conversations with other people, even if you’re in an open relationship.
According to a 2017 study from the University of Alberta, while sexting can improve your sex life, it can harm other aspects of your relationship.2 Researchers found that people who regularly sexted did report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. However, people who regularly sexted reported higher levels of conflict in their relationships. They were also more ambivalent about continuing the relationship than those who did not sext. In addition, they felt more insecure in their relationships and reported lower levels of commitment. They were also more likely to watch porn and flirt on social media.
Another question is what happens to these photos after you break up. While we hope your ex isn’t mean enough to share anything without your consent, research shows that the vast majority of explicit photos are distributed without the person’s consent.
What to do if you find out your partner is sexting someone else? As eharmony relationship expert Laurel House says, “If your partner is sexting someone else, the first question I want to answer is: where did you meet? Was it online or face-to-face? If he or she is on a dating app, that’s also a question. If you’re in a stable relationship, what was the purpose of using dating apps in the first place? How far did the sexting go? Did you exchange photos and videos? Did you discuss meeting in real life? Equally important: What are you not getting in real life that you seek in cyberspace? Is he willing to explore ways to fulfill this need in the relationship to avoid the temptation to engage in physical cheating?”
While ending the relationship immediately is a reasonable response, there are a number of other steps you can take if you don’t want to take that approach.
Have a conversation.
Talk about why they want to sext, whether they feel something is missing from the relationship, and what the next steps are. It’s best to have this conversation when both parties are calm and there are no interruptions.
Rebuilding trust
If you are both determined to save the relationship, then the next step is to rebuild the trust that was broken by your partner’s infidelity. Figure out what you can and cannot accept in the future and work on improving the relationship. While it’s a good idea to check in once in a while, resist the urge to keep bringing it up – you could end up poisoning the relationship.
Take care of yourself
Whether or not it’s just “sexual” texting and not physical infidelity, it’s still a betrayal of trust and it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt. Take the time to seek support from friends or family.
Seek professional help
Sometimes the issues in a relationship are too complex for you to work through alone, and that’s okay. A relationship counselor or other mental health professional can help you repair your relationship and deal with the issues that led your partner to sext in the first place. Individual therapy can help you deal with the problems infidelity may be causing you.
